Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
