I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
high people should be assigned attendants
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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