mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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