My room smells like vodka and shame
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
