Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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