you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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