Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
