glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
