Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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