My room smells like vodka and shame
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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