there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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