Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
