then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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