two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
