I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...