I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We are two peas in an std pod
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things