And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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