Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i don't like sucking hair
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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