I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
is wine microwaveable?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
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I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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