i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
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I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
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BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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