I feel like abortions should bother me more
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
