Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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