your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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