It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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