he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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