OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
