If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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