just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
