Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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