I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
