She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
