if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I wish I only lived at night.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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