You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She even gives head with a lisp.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
