I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
