the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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