your parents love me but you hate me
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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