Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
im holly from the hills drunk
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
