You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
