Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
