i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize