Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
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I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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