Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
