what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
