I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
