I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
