i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's shark week go big or go home
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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