My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
