I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The uberlube is also flammable
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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