Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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