Already got asked if we're dating
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
