No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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