I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
