She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
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Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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