Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
