just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
