Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I had to cum in my sink.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
