When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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